Chi town and a new plan

Okay, obviously, I'm not quite home yet . . . alas . . . I'll be back in Dallas as of tomorrow evening. I'm in Chicago to attend the Director's Lab Chicago. It's really great to me hee with some of the people I met from the NY Lab in June . . and I didn't have a commitment in Dallas until Monday, so I figured, eh what the hell, I'll go to Chicago . . . so . . . there you have it . . .

Chicago is . . .

Okay, I'm not quite sure if it's my kind of town as of yet, but from what I've seen thusfar, it's pretty awesome. It's not on the level of NY, Boston, Austin, or Portland, but that could change today. I'm about to head into downtown and walk around exploring. Toinight, after the lab I'm either going to go check out some live music, or some improv . . . both of which are very important to view of the city. This lab is going to be, and already is, very good for me. It's just sort of a quick reminder that this is what I want to do . . . I'm like this life I have right now, traveling, meeting new people, experiencing the world (by that I mean the US) but I'm also starting to feel like I need to settle down in one place and try to start something. I'm not quite sure where that is, but I think it's NY as of now . . . I have to do this. I have to. NY is always going to haunt me if I don't go, and this is the time, I just kind of feel it . . . So anywho . . . my first day in Chi town was this:

Arrive at about 11 AM

Hope the Orange line into town, transfer to the Blue line and exit at Logan Square, then walk to the lab just in time to see half of Bob Falls and Anne Cantaneo speak. It was geat to see Anne and the rest of the people from the lab again . . .

I stayed for all but the last clinic, and I met some very cool people at dinner. We went to some vegetarian place that was stellar.

Then Erica came and picked me up, and we went back to her house to drop my things off and pick up Jolene and Amanda. We then went down to Lincoln Square to this bar called Daily. It was very cool little spot, and the food was extremely edible. I started to notice something about Chicago . . . everyone here looks normal . . . I guess I'm used to the glam of Dallas or NY, but even in Florida, I never conciously thought "Everyone here is just sort of plan." It's not a bad thing, it was just something I noticed . . . There's sort of a level playing field here that is very interesting.

Anyway, we partied like senior citizens last night, and got home by 10 PM, where we all passed out by 10:30. Grandpa's has a long month, so this was a very good thing . . . maybe tonight I'll party like a toodler.

Coming home

Coming home


So, I'm about to do my last day of shows in Winter Haven, FL. This has been a very interesting time for me . . . let's see . . . I've lost 15 lbs. I got rid of one of my credit cards, and took a chunk out of the other one. I fell for a girl with a boyfriend, but managed to sleep with her every night for 2 weeks. I quit smoking. I'm learning more about theatre by doing these shows, than any college class I took. And I've made some amazing friends.

I'm very ready to come home. So, just an update . . .

I'll be home from November 5th through the 20th. I have a commitment with the Dallas Theatre Center for A Christmas Carol. (Doing lighting)

Then on the 20th, I head to Valdosta, GA. Until the end of the year. I'll be doing one of two shows down there, acting in them. This is monetary decision. The lighting work I do in Dallas is virtually non-existant in the month of December. So, I'm going where the work is. This is so I can have enough money to move to NY in January. I'm really starting to believe that this is going to happen. I've unbalanced my life enough now, that I really have no reason NOT to move to NY, otherthan money, and that's being taken care of with these gigs.

I'm finally in a decent place, I think . . . or atleast getting there. To all of my friends in Dallas . . . I'm home for 2 weeks. Please try to see me. To all of my friends in NY . . . I'll see you very soon, start looking for a job for me. To all of my friends in Florida . . . you'll never really know how much you mean to me . . . I never thought I could be so affected here, but I certainly am . . . thank you.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I hate me.

I find myself in Winter Haven, FL. There is nothing to do here. Blah Blah.
Here's the deal . . . I'm sort of VERY smitten with a girl here (a dancer in some show) and she finds herself smitten with me. Here's the kicker . . . BOYFRIEND. Now . . . she's doing the whole girl thing, IE. "If it wasn't like this... Oh I wish it was easier... I don't want to stop hanging out with you... I feel like I'm letting myself down... I wish I didn't feel like I had to answer to him... I just can't do what I actually want to do with you... Why are things so complicated... I'm so sorry Nico..." Which, of course, is AWESOME when you feel the same way . . . however, I, on the other hand, am coming to the conclusion that she's going to keep this shit up until it's time for me to leave, and I'm just going to feel like shit if I continue to care . . . So now I'm at an impasse . . . Should I:
Stop giving a shit and begin the painful process of ignoring her to the point that I don't have to hurt anymore?
Continue the way I feel right now, and just let whatever be whatever?
Tell her to just fucking leave me alone and go be with her boyfriend?
Tell her "I'm not going to change how I feel, and I'm not in the mood to change how I act around people and too old to play games, so I'm just going to act naturally, and if there's a problem, you just tell me." ?

NONE OF THIS WOULD MATTER IF I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP WITH HER!!! FUCK!! It's the whole, I'm kinda falling for her, because she's the most amazing, beautiful girl I've met in a very long time thing that's causing the trouble.

Thoughts? I hate this shit . . . I personally think I need to get hypnotized into not being suckered so fucking quickly . . . Why am I an emotional wreck? Jesus Christ . . . it's really annoying most times . . . I suppose this is why I'm a hell of a boyfriend . . . I just think I care too much about most things. What's it matter really? We're all going to die anyway. I'm just sick of it. I need to just start living moment by moment . . . the way I always felt I have, excluding this one aspect of my life. I'm always fucked in love. I hate this hopeless romantic bullshit.

hope·less adj.
1. Having no hope; despairing.
2. Offering no hope; bleak.
3. Incurable.
4. Having no possibility of solution; impossible.

ro·man·tic adj.
1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of romance.
2. Given to thoughts or feelings of romance.
3. Displaying, expressive of, or conducive to love: a romantic atmosphere.
4. Imaginative but impractical; visionary: romantic notions.
5. Not based on fact; imaginary or fictitious: His memoirs were criticized as a romantic view of the past.
n.
1. A romantic person.

Hopeless Romantic is basically an incurable impracticality.

This is my right now

This pretty much sums me up right now:



When I was young I was invincible,
I find myself now thinking twice,
I never thought about no future,
its just the roll of the dice.

But the day may come when you've got something to lose,
and just when you think you're done paying dues
And you say to yourself, dear God what Have I done?
And hope its not too late 'cause tomorrow may never come.

Reach For the Sky, 'cause tomorrow may never come
Reach For the Sky, 'cause tomorrow may never come

Yesterday is history and tomorrow's a mystery
But baby right now, its just about you and me,
You can run you can hide, just like Bonnie and Clyde
Reach for the sky ain't never gonna die,
and I thank the Lord for the love I have found
and hold you tight cause tomorrow may never come.

So if you please take this moment
Try if you can make it last
Don't think about no future and just forget about the past
and make it last.





Now . . . name this band and song . . . it's also on one of the best albums I've heard in a long time . . . .

Trying to come to some sort of resolution

First of all . . . you should be able to post comments on here now . . . someone please try for me.

NOW . . . on to the blog . . .



I've spent a long time thinking about my future plans, and now I'm trying to exactly pin point what got me thinking about NOT going to NY . . .

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to resolve to do, but I do know this much . . . I have amazing friends. Thank you to everyone who has helped me figure out what's up with me right now. It's nothing major, but (God help me for quoting this crap artist) I seriously think I am going through a quarter life crisis . . . or adolescence . . . well, if the 30's are the new 20's . . . then I'm a fucking 15 year old I suppose . . . which would oddly make sense right now.

Anyway, I thought I should post 2 more responses to my blog, for all to read . . . I know they meant a lot to me.

=====================

nico- no one can answer that for you but you. cliché I know but its true. what do you want? what do any of us want really? i don't think we all know 100% and i don't think we will ever know 100%. that’s the mystery of life. that is the chance you take. you don't have to make the right choice as long as you are making choices. you are allowed mistakes for so many reason. life is about learning and learning what is important to you. you believe you know what is important to you but the funny thing is that it is always changing. you grow and experience so much yearly, there is no way your goals won't change even a little. you can donate your entire life to science and realize one day that you really just wanted to be a singer. people do it every single day and it doesn’t' matter when you realize it, just as long as you are always looking for it but not letting anything else pass you by. I would say that school might just be exactly what you need. I want you to move here. I really think there is so much creative to be had but if you aren't sure and if you aren't ready to sacrifice anything for that, then go to school and take some more time. isn't that why we are all go to college anyway, to figure out what we want to do? Just don't use it as a cop out. Being scared of success and commitment and approaching life isn't a battle of the future, its a battle of the mind. i hope you aren't getting those confused. i love you baby always. New York will always be here. grad school will always be wherever it is. but don't let life pass you by on the way.

-April Gentry

========================

here is my comment:

Your obligations at this point are few. You have debt (welcome to America), yes, but you don’t have a wife or a child or mortgage payments or a super-duper best-job-ever.

As for not finding her, not finding the perfect job, not finding your 'calling' yet, it's just the universe's way of telling you to focus on you right now, on pushing yourself to do things entirely selfish and altogether a little bit crazy - it means you've got to do something different; maybe you haven't found those things because you're not in the right place to find them.

And by 'place' I don't necessarily mean geographical (although moving has always motivated me - I lived in 4 different cities, two countries, in 18 months, at one point). Youth is our opportunity to fight stagnancy, and if you feel like your life is on hold, it is your responsibility to shake things up before your obligations become too numerous and too heavy to allow any movement.

My thoughts on school? Don't do it to be safe, to stay in Dallas or to stay in your comfort zone as a student (no matter the location). Do it because the program scares you, because you think you might not be good enough for it, because you think there is a possibility to fail. Because otherwise, you could find it hard to push yourself to do more than get by, and we will find ourselves having this same conversation in a few years.

Take this opportunity to be selfish, to be young, to be crazy and a bit irrational. My advice? Pick the option that scares the shit out of you, and then go for it.

so yeah, there you go, my two cents

love you baby

-Kris Norvet

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My friends are wonderful. You all mean the world to me, and I hope you know that. I know that not only will I make the right decision, but I will have unending support from each of you, and that really does touch me. I have your love and support. THAT is truly all I need. Thank you.

Update

I find myself in Winter Haven, Florida. This is halfway between Tampa and Orlando . . . what does this mean? I'm making money acting in a comedy, staying with some great friends I haven't seen in a while, and simultaneously I'm confusing myself beyond belief . . . I'm again, trying to figure just what it is I want out of life.

I know what makes me happy, but I so often find myself without it. I need to be propelling myself artistically, and in many ways, I think that I am right now . . . but at the same time, I'm not exactly doing what I want . . . So what are my options at this point?

1. Stay here for a little while, make good money, clear out debt (which needs to happen, regardless of what my ultimate choices be) and ride this out as far as it goes.

2. Go back to Dallas at the end of the month, struggle to make money doing what I do there (lighting for theatre and corporate events) and hopefully clear out some debt, until it's time to find something else . . . I get to be with my friends, and that is something I'm starting to desperately miss . . .

3. Say fuck it and move to NY.

4. Grad school.

I know these are all basically the same . . . okay, not quite. It's coming down to Grad School next year or no. This is basically my dilemma . . . I've feeling very lost and alone right now, and I know this isn't quite the greatest place to be when I'm in that sort of state . . . I should be with my close friends who know me and can provide guidance, but alas, I am here, and I am making good money . . .

I'm just in a very weird place . . . what do I want? Where do I want to end up? Why do I feel alone? What's my goal? Where do my allegiances lie? Who's more important to me? What the fuck is wrong with me? What grad school do I apply to? Why grad school? Will that help? Will it get me anywhere? Do I want to take on more debt for an education? Do I like NY? Do I hate NY? Why NY? Is it worth it? What do I want? Where do I need to be? What do I want? Why can't I commit to anything? Why can't I stop committing so much? What do I want? Why can't I find her? What is wrong with me? What do I want? Where do I need to be? Why? Why not? What am I doing here? Why did I take this job? Why am I still in Dallas? What do I want? When is the right time? Why can't I find what I need? Where am I? What do I want?

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

help.

(if you can answer all those questions, I'll buy you an island)

So I'm here in F-L-A

I got here yesterday, and have finally gotten the script this evening . . . I have tomorrow to rehearse, then go time on Friday . . . I have to crash, but I will update this more often starting tonight, or tomorrow rather.