Update

I find myself in Winter Haven, Florida. This is halfway between Tampa and Orlando . . . what does this mean? I'm making money acting in a comedy, staying with some great friends I haven't seen in a while, and simultaneously I'm confusing myself beyond belief . . . I'm again, trying to figure just what it is I want out of life.

I know what makes me happy, but I so often find myself without it. I need to be propelling myself artistically, and in many ways, I think that I am right now . . . but at the same time, I'm not exactly doing what I want . . . So what are my options at this point?

1. Stay here for a little while, make good money, clear out debt (which needs to happen, regardless of what my ultimate choices be) and ride this out as far as it goes.

2. Go back to Dallas at the end of the month, struggle to make money doing what I do there (lighting for theatre and corporate events) and hopefully clear out some debt, until it's time to find something else . . . I get to be with my friends, and that is something I'm starting to desperately miss . . .

3. Say fuck it and move to NY.

4. Grad school.

I know these are all basically the same . . . okay, not quite. It's coming down to Grad School next year or no. This is basically my dilemma . . . I've feeling very lost and alone right now, and I know this isn't quite the greatest place to be when I'm in that sort of state . . . I should be with my close friends who know me and can provide guidance, but alas, I am here, and I am making good money . . .

I'm just in a very weird place . . . what do I want? Where do I want to end up? Why do I feel alone? What's my goal? Where do my allegiances lie? Who's more important to me? What the fuck is wrong with me? What grad school do I apply to? Why grad school? Will that help? Will it get me anywhere? Do I want to take on more debt for an education? Do I like NY? Do I hate NY? Why NY? Is it worth it? What do I want? Where do I need to be? What do I want? Why can't I commit to anything? Why can't I stop committing so much? What do I want? Why can't I find her? What is wrong with me? What do I want? Where do I need to be? Why? Why not? What am I doing here? Why did I take this job? Why am I still in Dallas? What do I want? When is the right time? Why can't I find what I need? Where am I? What do I want?

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

help.

(if you can answer all those questions, I'll buy you an island)